Homo Clausicus

Homo Clausicus (ho-mo claw-si-cus): The first known
species of Homo clausicus was discovered in the early 1990’s in
the bedrock of Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania. This exciting discovery
pre-dates the oldest known clausicus by almost 500,000 years.

Findings show that this early claus was nocturnal and lived a reclusive life during the Early Paleolithic Age. Homo clausicus differed from his fellow hominids with a distinguished head structure that would have made it difficult to communicate. Computer-generated models indicate that claus was only able to bellow a limited vocabulary that was preceded by a “bah-bah-bah” (now recognized as the modern day “ho-ho-ho”). It is likely that he was banished by the prevalent hominids for this reason; however, this is only a theory at this time and a point of much contention.

Early clausicus would spend all year gathering rocks, nuts and berries (the first signs of early fruitcake). He would store his goods in a cave and every December, when the nights were long, he would journey out to give his excess bounty to the less fortunate. Hominids would awake to gifts aplenty and would celebrate this mythical character by be-heading a nutrient-rich fowl and stringing its innards around trees (studies point to signs of early garland...the origin of holiday decor).

It is assumed that long periods of time might elapse in between these early annual celebrations as Homo clausicus had many dangerous obstacles to negotiate. This particular claus was trampled by a Wooly Mammoth (theories suggest that later clauses may have used the Mammoths to travel, up until the claus-Arctic migration around 15,000 B.C.).

The perpetuation of the species is unknown and a point of much debate. Clausicus has always tinkered on the brink of extinction. While there have been no findings as to the breeding habits of clausicus, the dominant theory is that clausicus is monogamous and courts his mate with mistletoe and sweet yams.

Clausicus has dutifully performed his giving ritual every year as long as history has been recorded. While the origin and evolution of Homo clausicus and the surrounding traditions remain hot topics, the common practices of sharing peace, love and happiness with all mankind cannot be disputed.

Last Updated On June 6 2001